INSPIRATIONAL VIDEO--------->I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know how to get there. Hormones have been kicking my butt since yesterday. I don't remember the last time I fought with my mom and grandmother at the same time. My new don't take bs from anyone philosophy is backfiring. My dislike of alpha females has increased especially because I live with them. I hate beyond anything being micromanaged, and that's whats been going on in my head the past two days. This just in: I have fear of abandonment. I have this intense fear if I completely expose myself to the world then i'll be the outcast. That weird kid that doesn't have any friends, and in the process of this false sense of self preservation i'm losing myself and my identity and becoming just ordinary like everyone else. I'm really hoping to discover more of myself through three things: this blog, working out, and meditating. This is how an average day goes for me. Wake up at 5 a.m. meditate for 30 minutes. Stay up and youtube, shower at around 5:45 and get out of the house at around 6:25, I carpool with three other people so once we all meet up it takes another 35-40 minutes to get to school. During school I try my best to smile and keep my feelings as hidden as possible while trying absentmindedly to make friends. After school when i finally get home its a relaxed scramble to get my homework done with time to work out. Usually it takes around 30 minutes to do homework and 1 hour of messing around and spacing out time, so it's around 6:30 and sometimes 7:00. Following homework and spacing out I often do the math in my head to see if i can somehow get my workout done in time to go to bed at 8:00. usually i get to bed at 8:30 and sometimes 9:00. After watching this video however, i'm thinking of waking up at 4:00 and getting the meditating and workout done, then meditating again in the night. I'm also trying my best to not judge anyone. I read one chapter of a Deepak Chopra book and so I'm trying to not judge and meditate as well as i can. An insightful friend told me that with what i'm doing, I would burn myself out. And eventually, I might. But the rewards that i'm seeing coming from this are worth it. Also another plan/ option could be to wake up at 4 am and go to morning khane. For those who don't know i'm an Ismaili muslim and you might hear the phrases Khane, Jamathkhana, or Jk. It's basically our version of Mosque, Church, Synagogue (pardon my spelling). So we have times to go in the morning and at night. In the morning there's like 20 people that go and it's supposedly really peaceful. They have an entire hour for meditation! but I also want to sleep, so I was thinking: if i could find a way to workout and meditate in the morning without sacrificing alot of sleep. Any ideas?
Thanks everybody :)