Sorry for checking out. But I'm back.

The past few weeks have been slightly cacoonish for me. I've stopped my social life almost completely, only talking to a few people a few days. Over the past few days, I think I've come out of it. Two days ago I was on a face time with my mom (who is my best friend) and one of my buddies from Tampa. It was nice to talk to a real PERSON. And yesterday, I went out with my friends! They are ALL older but kids my age aren't exactly preferable at this very moment. The immaturity is irritating, but the think that really sets me off is the attention seeking. I know I do this a little. But never as bad as some of the kids I know. They say the most irritating things. My life at school has gotten a little better, but really I think I'm just numbing myself because the life is just too much. Honestly, I'm not ready to come out of this cacoon. I like it in here. The world moves so slowly, every conversation I have means a little more. I wish I could say some super deep thing here. But honestly, I kinda miss people. I wish I could move and meet an all new group of people. And the cool thing is, I'm doing just that! Next year, my school transfers me to a different campus along with the rest of my eighth grade class. The one at the campus now is too ridiculous. But the class at this new school is my people! They're ever so mildly stuck up, but that's a given at the fancy school I'm at. Back to my caccoon, I feel as if I'm distancing myself from everybody. Some people don't make the cut, and few do. I wonder who will soon appear in my life. Because i have a feeling someone new is on the way. Anyway, I have some homework. I was just checking in.
Sweet days and eventful nights to you all

Stoicism

I do not feel the need to survive.

This thought seems darker then it is. There is no need to worry. I am nowhere near hurting myself or others. This is simply my faith. I believe that there is a higher power deciding how our lives play out. 
What lessons we learn, how we learn them. This is the Ancient Greek House of philosophy of Stoicism. A complete and total faith in god. Stoics believe that the realization that everything happens for a reason and is predetermined, and that this belief will rid them of anxiety and general freaking out that plague western society. 

Thoughts.

There are 5 types of thoughts to my mind. There are:

Raw 

Boiled 

Cooked 

Tempura 

Dirty

I use the food method of grouping because it makes sense.

Raw Thoughts: These thoughts are the thoughts you read on my blog. They are spur of the moment thoughts that come from the heart, filled with the meaning you give to them. They are vital to our survival.
Ego Rating: 0-1

Boiled Thoughts: Thoughts that are in between Raw and Cooked, minor change but still majorly the same
Ego Rating: 2-4

Cooked Thoughts: These thoughts are the thoughts you somewhat think of but that are influenced by the media portrayal of what is cool. There is minor meaning to these thoughts, they are important.
Ego Rating: 3-6

Tempura Thoughts: Artificial thoughts inserted into our consciousnesses by media portrayal of what is socially acceptable. Most often the cause of social downfall or rise.
Ego Rating: 6-10

Dirty thoughts: Thoughts that are so disgusting they simply fill you with revulsion for yourself. Never a good thing.
Ego Rating: 10

Them Or Me?

I went on a school trip over friday night. I have to say, I have a whole new painful perspective about my social solitude. I am just beginning to think that maybe this is partly my fault. I think I should maybe make an effort to branch out. I have this feeling that it would take me away from my current social group. Which isn't making me happy either. Either way, its a bargain. But wait. Maybe the answer is inside me? The cheesy line makes sense. I should try to better myself before I attempt to better the lives of others. Because really, making friends is helping other people to feel good around you and feeling good yourself.
I won't branch out just yet. But maybe I can do something. I should do something. I will do something. I really like the idea of meditating. But to put into practice is a difficult affair. For now, 10-20 minutes a day will be fine. The only problem is, it would take minor sacrifices, which is really annoying. To meditate in the morning would be sacrifice of about 12 minutes of sleep, and to do it before bed would be the sacrifice of 12 minutes of sleep. All in all, I'd lose about 30 minutes of sleep. Is it worth it to lose some sleeping time to better my waking hours? I'll see. Also, I really want to start working out, I found this app called MiCoach. Its an Adidas idea, and it seems to be good. The only problem is, I really don't want to work out. I want to look good. So I'm torturing myself to work out, and criticizing myself every time I step in front of a mirror. But the drive just isn't there. I'm going to try forcing myself to do it, and hopefully the results of a week or two will encourage me to keep doing it. I'm slightly doubtful, but whatever. I'll be fine.

Dont worry, be happy.

A Tidbit of Advice

The agressor is commonly believed to be the cause of the problem. However, contrary to subconscious popular belief, the pacifist who means well may be just as much as fault. However, ignorance is most often the root of the problem.
-Aly Lakhani

lalala

I am officially frustrated. I got all regular classes for 9th grade. Apparently my averages didn't meet the requirement.
This is not okay.
So what's my plan? I'm gonna study my butt off.
Now that that's settled. I've had these random blogging ideas. But I didn't seize any of them. I will soon. More later this week!

@lakhanialy1

and I'll follow back.

This is a poem by Bashyam Narayanan

Aim at perfection
But be satisfied with excellence

As absolute perfection is
Unattainable
We say in science
Absolute zero is unattainable

Perfection means zero defects
In the product or outcome
And it means zero deviation
In the process and systems employed

While excellence in performance is
Being ahead of most of others
With regard to process and
Quality of the product
And this is achievable

It is well known and established that
Imperfection and randomness
Are the essence of survival
And the nature has all its biodiversity
Because of imperfection and
Deviation from the norms

Insistence on perfection
May lead to failures
And likely win you more foes than friends

You may even leave a scar in the hearts of
Your own people and friends
If you zero in on perfection only

The fact remains
There is no perfected art
There is no perfected process
There is no perfected write
All await your touch
And improvement therefrom

You do not compromise either
As you will be struggling to
Excel all others

Target at the best
Arrive at the best possible


Bashyam Narayanan 




If we all were to live like this. It would be an excellent world.

Where am I?

I remember just 2 months ago I was in such a great place, all zen and smart and committed.

But I've been slacking.

I've stopped meditating, and working out. I'm studying more, but somehow the good grades elude my grasp. I read one of those simple but helpful teenage books about how to get through it. And I think I realize that the real way to be happy is to find a balance, the balance between school, athleticism, social, and soul lives. The balance of all of these and the juggling act that results makes for a better balanced person.

However, the slightest variation, and you might find yourself picking up the broken pieces of your old self. I guess I'm just riding the waves as they come. I need to start making the waves happen.

Teachers

can be found anywhere. This idea was brought to the front of my mind yesterday, and I just now realized what it meant. So what does it mean? It means that no matter how old, tall, strong, smart, wise someone is, they can teach you something. Therefore they are a teacher to you. For example, most of you may have read over some of my posts and thought, this kid is so(synonym of stupid here) and maybe you can't learn anything new from me. Or from any of your other teachers, but you have to give people a chance, because

Those who don't seek answers will never find them.

Obviously I'm not telling you to go up to a stranger and ask for the meaning of the universe, but we could all learn something, if even a small thing from someone new.

My own experience recently actually occurred yesterday, in REC (Religious Education Center, where we Ismailis go to learn about our religion) my mom was talking about the possibility of introducing calligraphy into the course. My mom is my teacher. The class is for 8th-9th graders and the young woman thats will be teaching us calligraphy is 10 years old. You can imagine the reaction from the class when my mom added that the teacher would like to be called Ms.

Because as dignified teenagers we are above the idea of learning something from someone younger than us. It is ridiculous how people in general allow their EGO to run their life. People need to take control. I don't really understand what an ego is on first glance. So I did some thinking, and my personal definition of ego is a monster deep inside your brain made of all the insecurities, anger, and resentment mushed together. This monster is not very aesthetically appealing so it acts as a gamer, it doesn't care who or what it hurts, offends, or destroys, because at the end of the day. We have to pick up the pieces and start all over again.

I came upon a beautiful thing

a couple days ago. I found this new hangout spot. A tree and a lake make for some awesome alone time. My tree is about 30 feet high, and last time I climbed it I got about 20 feet up. I like listening to music and looking out across the reflective water. I love the feeling of looking up and seeing nature. I amuse myself by thinking how I would be the only person to EVER see the view. It's a nice concept. Thinking you're worth something. Thinking you have something no-one else does. But at the end of the day, what REALLY makes you special? Our choices:

A- Your new jeans

B-Your spiritual awareness

C- Your looks

D-Nothing.

The answer: D. What makes you stand out from the thousands of other people just in the 50 miles surrounding you? WOW! You can do a cool trick on a skateboard. Guess what! Theres a kid across the street who could do that a year ago. You take really good care of your hair. Great. So do the other popular kids in your school. You work out. So do other people.

What makes you different?

 Nothing?
What's the point of living if you aren't able to stand out?
There's no point in trying to stand out to the random people you don't know.

This may not make sense to you. Because I've done a really crappy job of explaining what I'm really trying to say.
Just disregard this.
The only reason I'm not deleting this is because I put minor thought into it.

PAUSE.

If you were about to let that ruin your day. We've got some serious problems.

I honestly don't understand how teenagers, and people in general can be so emotionally reliant or dependent on the crowd. Why does a strangers opinion of you matter more then yours? Because somehow we've managed to let the shallow opinions of strangers determine your own self worth.

People don't matter.

-Me 

Assignment:

 Based on your knowledge of monks and monasteries, write two paragraphs explaining why you might want to become a monk, or why not. If you would not want to be a monk, then you  must explain why someone else might find it worthwhile.  What challenges would you face?  What rewards would you expect? Please double-space and type in normal font.  
This is due tomorrow.
Have a great night!
(Teachers name)

If I was to conceive of abandoning my life and joining a monastery today. I would consider the obvious things as obstacles. I would miss my friends, family, and life far too much to leave. Also I do one day in the very distant future have a general idea of becoming a surgeon and living with my wife and children. However, if I was to consider the thought of leaving home to become a monk seriously, I would have to weigh the pros and cons. The pros: I would most likely achieve spiritual enlightenment, and since I do believe in God and the concept of lessons and experiences "carrying over" from life to life. In the long run, it would be a better decision. However, an immediate counter to this would be, that meditation and prayer could get one to the same place as being a monk would. Furthermore, as is taught in Islam, spiritual and material pursuits are equally important. Actually I think I would be open to the idea, however, simply the giving up of a mate, putting aside the material gains that would be lost, would be enough for me to seriously doubt ever becoming a Monk or Priest of any kind.

If I were to make the decision during the middle ages however, I would take into account my life situation. If I was a noble, the choice would obviously be no. I would be living a life of wealth and power. There would be no reason to go. If I was a peasant, my answer would still vary. If I had children or a wife, then I would have too many obligations, and living a spiritual life after abandoning a young child and defenseless woman to the horrors of the world would be unspeakable in my terms. However, if I was a homosexual, or had no family, then the idea of having a child would not apply and a more satisfying life would result from the pursuit of God.

*Note I indented in the homework*

I don't get me sometimes.

Deleted. I felt icky afterwards.

We've all heard

of the concept that we are all connected. Somehow. And subconsciously I've begun to fathom this concept. But to understand this concept we have to understand what it is that connects us. So what is there that could possibly span the entire world. Connecting all of us. Making a bond with our fellow man. This force is simple because it has already been given a name. 

GOD

God, Allah, Adonai, Krishna, Vishnu, whatever you call him, or her, or it, connects us. I've been trying to put logic into this as much as possible. So I'd like you to go out on a limb and assume that god is ever present. Omnipotent, invincible, and always there. The lessons we learn are selected by Allah. The people we meet or don't are brought or not brought into our lives by Adonai. Now that you have this concept in your head. Imagine yourself or any person, trying to tend to every life equally, and being ever present, to love all people animals, beetles, creatures equally.

Impossible.

How can we attach human traits to a divine entity. The IT that makes our lives worth living. 
IT is not human. I've stopped imagining talking to god as talking to a person. I imagine Krishna as an all encompassing yellow light.

 A warm presence.
Some people see god as a young boy. 

Calligraphy

An angel.

A man

Some as an old man. Some as a word. Some as a spaghetti monster. Some see god in a person. 
So I ask myself. If god is ever present, then wouldn't he be within each of us. Then wouldn't each of us be god? My concepts of Adonai are vaguely drawn from Islamic beliefs. There was a Metaphor of a water droplet named Tipu.

This droplet was realizing that he was not where he needed to be. So he asked a wise water droplet where he could find the Ocean (representing god in the story, as the ever present vast entity.) The wise water droplet told him to search upward. And as anyone who has studied the water cycle knows. When Tipu went to the surface of his home, he was taken up and evaporated. When he fell from the sky he found himself in a jungle. He wandered around and in his wandering he became intoxicated in the beauty of the world, however, Tipu found a wise turtle, he asked to go to the ocean, and through the guidance of one wise turtle (the prophet, Imam, Pope, Minister, Rabbi, etc.)he was (the prophet, Imam, Pope, Minister, Rabbi, etc.) led to a river (meditation, spiritual practice) and Tipu flowed down the river. So happy to be on his way to the Ocean FINALLY! The apprehension was building in Tipu. He could hardly wait to be with the Ocean. The river lead to a waterfall, and the waterfall led to another river. (The long path of self discovery, self realization, and overall zen-ness) Later he found himself in his home again. Tipu was confused. The river was too far behind to ask, so he went to the bottom of the ocean to the home of the wise droplet and told him of his journey, the water droplet chuckled and said "child, this is the ocean"Tipu realized that he was with his Ocean the whole time! He reasoned that he was a part of the ocean, therefore he was the ocean, and if the ocean is god, and Tipu represents a person. Then each person is god.

Is the universe starting to make sense yet?
I'm guessing not because the concept of god isn't exactly the easiest to grasp, but with a little contemplation, it makes a little sense. One concept to know:

It's okay to not get it.

God would've made this world too easy if you could get everything on the first try.
So god connects all of us it's the common denominator. So god really does connect us!

Prayer is the concept of committing time to god. Whether it is to ask for things, thank him for things. Or just to talk, unload and unwind. Make no mistake. It is possible, even encouraged, to have a personal relationship with this manifestation of yourself called god. But if prayer is the talking to god. Then how do we listen? We could meditate, which is a great idea. We could thank god daily for things that work out for us and that don't. For example, I've been meaning to talk to this girl that I have a crush on (I know its all mushy and stuff) and ask her about some stuff. Bottom line I haven't, and I was at this party yesterday. We'll skip to the end -> I was encouraged by a crowd to have a normal conversation. It clicked because later that day. I had written a letter to myself telling myself to just do it. So I thanked god

Sometimes I have this feeling in my chest like a sea of heavenly light. Like god is present, I've learnt to let it go and give it to people. So when I was in India. And I would see someone who desperately needed help. I'd make my mom give money, but then I would silently say a prayer, give some light, and move on.

God gives us faith. So we have hope for a better world, for an order in the world. Hope for those people who are in a hole with no light. Hope for people who are so close to digging their way out. A new view of the world. A broader spectrum of light. So whenever something you've asked for comes into fruition. Say thank you to the warm yellow light.

Thanks to
Adonai
Allah
Buddha
Krishna
The giant spaghetti monster
The light
and
God

Super pissed.

I feel stifled. As a teenager, I feel entitled to talk to my friends through my phone for at least 20 minutes a day. Mom took that away. I feel entitled to free access to music. Mom took that away. I feel entitled to use my phone at least as an alarm clock to wake up at 5 am so I can meditate. Mom took that away. I feel entitled to use art as an outlet for the resulting anger on Saturday night in our classroom. Guess what!! Not gonna happen. I feel like I would like to punch a wall in. Not gonna happen. So what do we do? What is to happen when you are completely cut off from the world. Trapped in your house when the closest thing to someone your age is your 10 year old brother, who has his phone and free access to music. When you live with CRAZY ALPHA FEMALES. When no-one sees the world the way you do? What do you do when your friends, your music, your zen-ness are all taken away?

You dance.

For the small amount of time I get to myself on Friday nights I shower, get out, and dance. TO MUSIC. Ha. What kinda dances do you do hormonal teenager? I make up dances. I daydream about October when I'll be onstage in front of 200 people dancing my little heart out. I think of dance moves, I make dumb videos. I bore myself to tears. Then I ask myself why I'm doing it, and this anger bigger then I am rises up out of my chest and I suppress the urge to murder my pillow and kill its children. I suppress the urge to cry. I suppress the urge to put my head, fist, foot, mothers head through a wall. So I dance some more. Then I get to a point when I can suppress the anger, and I blog.

More later. 

No idea.

I've never started one of these without the slightest idea of what I'm doing. But I figure blogging is an expression of ones thoughts, and painting is an expression of ones emotions. Makes sense why most of my paintings mean nothing to anyone except me. My paintings start as me choosing a few random colors that in the moment feel good, and splatter them on a big sheet of paper. The resulting color throw up looking thing is eyed by me. Attacked with paint (thanks to one of my favorite people J.I) and then the paint gets scraped off. Sometimes I question my artistic ability. Because, well. There isn't any. Its all mush, but due to my ridiculously pointless 'deepness'. I see myself in this mess. A work in progress. I, like all people, am just a work in progress. You can just see the imperfections in everybody, the insecurities. Live life for the little things.

Sweet dreams

My expectations.

Its funny how a sound repeated over and over, along with a nice voice and some words that happen to apply to the moment, can make someone cry. Its funny how when someone screams your name and jumps on you to hug you. It means so much more than if you walk over and hug the person. Its funny how someone else's views can change your outlook. Its funny how someone else's experiences can change your outlook on something you would've thought was a bad situation. Its funny how someone attitude can change your mood from good to bad in seconds. Its funny how we all seem to love love songs. But we can't love each other. We claim to be grown up. We claim to have grown from middle school and high school. But really, the world is just a big middle school. The continents are the cliques. The Presidents and Prime Ministers are the main kids in charge of each groups. The countries are the kids who don't like everybody in the clique. Who make friends outside the cliques. Why then is the picture above applicable. Why is it that with all the social conditioning, the world has become that which it so commonly deems unacceptable. Like it or not. This is what the world has become. A High School. But all hope is not lost. There are the people who try to do something about it. Who realize that before we come together as clubs or cliques or 'countries' or 'continents'. We need to change the way we act.

The mindset for the average American teenager is: oh crap i have to wake up now. Oh crap im getting fat. Oh crap this cake is good. Oh crap i have to go to school. Oh crap mom drive me. Oh crap ill drive myself. A dull monotone of meaningless complaints and unappreciativeness. Now I said average. What about them average teenage mothers we got? I can't speak for them, but I would guess that they either have the oh crap mindset or the. I love my baby but why in the hell did i do this. Everybody's got complaints. Guess what people! Life tends to not be fair if you don't appreciate anything! 

Here comes the part where I talk about me. If you aren't interested or if you are, I suggest you re-read the paragraph above and join us below.

I guess the question to ask right now is: what does life mean to me?

Life means change. Life means dealing with what you have. Life means surviving.

The phrase

So close but so far

Comes to mind.
My expectations from other people are simple.

Accept me for who I am.
Don't be an a-hole.
Be nice.


My expectations for me? Here comes the messed up part


You should work out every day.
You should wake up an hour before you usually do, meditate.
You shouldn't judge anyone. 
You should be nice to everyone.
You should be grateful for everything you have.
You should be grateful for everything you don't have.
You should love everybody.
You should be ripped before you get into high school.
You should be spiritually enlightened before the 10th grade.
You should be perfect.


Needless to say I break down alot. I go to bed at 8pm, and for the days i feel like bumming around and not doing anything. I give myself a lecture about how I'm going to fail. And then I bum and eat some more. 
You're hardest on the people you love I guess.
I like loud clothes sometimes. I like good friends. I like white teeth. I like perfection. I think I want perfection.


And here comes the cool part.


I think I'll get it.

What is a prejudice?

To understand what a prejudice we first have to understand what a stereotype is. A stereotype is natural, most commonly frowned upon, but really its a normal way to look at the world. So what is a stereotype? A stereotype is a box. It's an imaginary box. It's not a pretty box. It is just a box. We put people in boxes based on many ideas. Some superficial ideas may be the popular kids at school versus the nerds. The boss and the employee. Stereotypes are how we see the world, how we compartmentalize everybody. Stereotypes make our job as humans easier. So as I've said, stereotypes are natural. 

Imagine a world without stereotypes. Where everyone was the same white mush as the rest of the universe, or everyone was their own special person. The real harm done is not in the stereotype, but when you treat someone like based on a stereotype, or judge them based on shallow aspects of what you may or may not suspect. That right there is totally not flyable, cool, or okay. 


I want a prejudice. 
It's been a long day.
It's been a long 4 days. 
(It's thursday)


Here begins my civil rant.


But how can we sit there and expect this greatness from ourselves when the others who we strive so hard to respect and love for all their imperfections would rather sit there and try to diss, rank, insult, or hate on, such menial aspects of what makes you, you. How can I expect this greatness from myself when my fellow man can not even gather up the decency to realize that people from this world come from all walks of life. The answer is simple, because I am DIFFERENT.




Hold up Aly. How are you gonna sit there and act like you're better than this kid.


Well little voice the answer is simple. Because I am a blessing. 


Huh? Are you high?


Nope, I heard today at school that every child is a blessing for their parents. I am a blessing. I see the world differently then other people. I see every person as a blessing. I see their flaws, I see my flaws. I see how the world can improve. How many other people can say that?


BUT! (here comes mr. part of my mind thats against me) You're just a normal kid. Theres nothing that sets you apart.


This is what I tell myself when I'm down low. But I'm on the rise. So step off little voice. 


                                                          -So back to prejudice-


Just like everything else in this world, prejudices are necessary, and to think they aren't is to view the world through the eyes of a child. Or non-philosopher. 


But you just said prejudices are bad? You aren't making sense.


Little voice in my head, do me a favor and try to keep up. Prejudices are necessary to act in cases of hostile encounters. You have to put your foot down with the people that just don't get that you mean no harm nor do you wish to fight. So hostility, and the judgement inside ones head about a certain person is okay. 


Now I think to myself...Wait this isn't prejudice this is just learning from past experience. This is adapt to survive in middle school. 


And how right you are little voice! I guess I should change this. But I don't redo blogs. 


Now I explain what brought this on: So I'm sitting in my 8th period class and this ugly kid (I don't judge, but with this kid its on the inside and the outside so I make an exception) sitting next to me looks at me and tells me how badly taken care of my shoes are. This is a kid whose main purpose in life is collecting Nike shoes, cursing at people online, and yelling at people in front of teachers in the middle of class. This is the kid whose mental health you worry about. Anyway I know all this already so I mildly dismiss him and say because I don't wear my shoes for looks. 


I swear to god this kid had no idea what I had just said to him. He actually asked me why I would wear shoes, if not for looks. At this point I'm already planning my next blog about how people can be so ignorant. So basically I mildly dismiss him and thats the end of it. Next some people from the yearbook come in and take pictures. When its my turn I do some dumb face, because honestly I'm not in the mood to pose but the teacher said if you don't cooperate then you stay afterschool. So here comes big Mr. Ugly. Who graces me with some mildly injuring remarks. This other kid comes up and says something and I swear to god my mouth dropped. He says :

LIVE AND LET LIVE

Basically he doesn't stop so I tell him to shut his mouth. That works pretty well.

So what are the lessons?

1. Don't hesitate to stand up for yourself.
2. DONT JUDGE. DONT JUDGE. DON'T JUDGE
3. The only Ugly thats really ugly is when its on the outside and the inside.
4. You and every other person on this earth is a blessing. Don't ever forget it.
5. 
   

Prejudice is OK if it's adapt to survive

sweet dreams little readers

Ray of Sunshine

We all have these people in our lives. The people whose Rays of happiness blow a hole right through our clouds of misery and confusion. Whose mere presence is enough to make a good day better, a better day best, a bad day good, and a terrible day bearable. These are the people we can trust. These are the people we can share our burdens with. These are the people who comfort us. These are our Rays of Sunshine. God has gifted me with many rays of sunshine. Among these is my best friend Aileen. This girl has always been there for me, and though we've had around 50 people ask  us if we were dating, we've remained mutually respectful, we've gotten into fights, as is human nature. But we always climb out of the pit stronger people and a stronger dynamic duo against all that may threaten us. My sister has a cousin who needs prayer. A cousin who truly is a gift from god. A cousin who has had to undergo more than his share of hurt in his life. A cousin who has had more surgeries on his brain than anyone I've ever heard of. This kid was clearly meant to be a ray of sunshine to his family, this kid needs help. I'm not asking for much. Just whenever you pray or meditate or whenever you do what you have to do. Think of this 11 year old kid in Mexico, and send him some love. He deserves it.

This little kid

I have this little kid living with me. He was born after me. And we have the same parents. This kid has a blog. This kid has a good blog. This kid's blog is worth checking out.


This kid's blog link is posted below:

www.zaynsstoriesandmore.blogspot.com

I have a new problem.

INSPIRATIONAL VIDEO--------->

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know how to get there. Hormones have been kicking my butt since yesterday. I don't remember the last time I fought with my mom and grandmother at the same time. My new don't take bs from anyone philosophy is backfiring. My dislike of alpha females has increased especially because I live with them. I hate beyond anything being micromanaged, and that's whats been going on in my head the past two days. This just in: I have fear of abandonment. I have this intense fear if I completely expose myself to the world then i'll be the outcast. That weird kid that doesn't have any friends, and in the process of this false sense of self preservation i'm losing myself and my identity and becoming just ordinary like everyone else. I'm really hoping to discover more of myself through three things: this blog, working out, and meditating. This is how an average day goes for me. Wake up at 5 a.m. meditate for 30 minutes. Stay up and youtube, shower at around 5:45 and get out of the house at around 6:25, I carpool with three other people so once we all meet up it takes another 35-40 minutes to get to school. During school I try my best to smile and keep my feelings as hidden as possible while trying absentmindedly to make friends. After school when i finally get home its a relaxed scramble to get my homework done with time to work out. Usually it takes around 30 minutes to do homework and 1 hour of messing around and spacing out time, so it's around 6:30 and sometimes 7:00. Following homework and spacing out I often do the math in my head to see if i can somehow get my workout done in time to go to bed at 8:00. usually i get to bed at 8:30 and sometimes 9:00. After watching this video however, i'm thinking of waking up at 4:00 and getting the meditating and workout done, then meditating again in the night. I'm also trying my best to not judge anyone. I read one chapter of a Deepak Chopra book and so I'm trying to not judge and meditate as well as i can. An insightful friend told me that with what i'm doing, I would burn myself out. And eventually, I might. But the rewards that i'm seeing coming from this are worth it. Also another plan/ option could be to wake up at 4 am and go to morning khane. For those who don't know i'm an Ismaili muslim and you might hear the phrases Khane, Jamathkhana, or Jk. It's basically our version of Mosque, Church, Synagogue (pardon my spelling).  So we have times to go in the morning and at night. In the morning there's like 20 people that go and it's supposedly really peaceful. They have an entire hour for meditation! but I also want to sleep, so I was thinking: if i could find a way to workout and meditate in the morning without sacrificing alot of sleep. Any ideas?
Thanks everybody :)

A quick note

Before i had experienced what real india was, i thought the kaamwali's were the ones with the problem, god knows there's room for improvement in their lives. However compared to the real india, which will be explained later, they live in luxury. If they were to be left on the street, they would be raped, abused, and murdured, or worse sold for parts. like in slumdog millionaire. 

Beautiful Things, My Change

There are a couple of huge aspects at play in my life at the moment:

RAGING HORMONES

Wanting to discovering myself


I like the idea of having a different approach to things than most people. So i've decided to change and make a "profile" for myself. A new persona. I will be the person i want instead of wishing to be there.


The most important question to ask myself right now.


Who is this dude?


So I name traits:


Theres the basic ones
Athletic
Witty
Smart
Loving


The not so basic ones
Able to be himself in any situation
Able to remain true to himself and others
Able to be loyal and yet still be open to new people






And then there's the stuff I can do, I recently read the book Eat Pray Love which many of you might think is funny but its got some pretty legit stuff going on. The two messages I got are: 


 You need to start MEDITATING
                     and
You need to strive for BALANCE


So how far away am I exactly from these goals?
aka
How much have i changed from the old me to get to where I need to go. 
first i need to know who the "old me" was
He was the kind of guy who knew he was flawed. and was coming to terms with it in the wrong way: by not doing anything about it.
He was the kind of guy who had physical flaws that he allowed to cloud his vision of himself. Teenage Insecurities. 


Water Break
This just in! There's a place in texas called Earth. So let it be known I am in earth. and miami. 


And I'm back


More later on something of the same sort